You are wrong, fucked and overrated

Hey, if you guys want to be more updated on the boringness that is my life (since I barely update this stupid thing), these two places are the best places for that:

http://jadegates.greatestjournal.com/

http://xandressamalfoy.livejournal.com/

SO, right now I feel completely jaded, and a little upset. Well, more than a little upset. Too contemplative for my own fucking good. I shouldn't be thinking about this, or probably anything for that matter. I don't know, I'm just rambling. This is my fucking journal, so get the hell over it. Okay, I didn't really mean that, but you get my point.

I don't even want to RP right now; I don't want to deal with bullshit. Fucking character drama. I don't want any part of it today. My head feels fit to fucking burst and I feel like crying. Don't ask me why. It's so crazy; I've been on a rollercoaster for a couple days now.

I was listening to Josh Groban's "When You Say You Love Me" a couple days ago and it got me thinking of a few things: It's like, I hear these hopeful love songs, and I want so badly to believe them, to sing along and feel that same old hope rushing through me, but I can't. I mean, I have my girlfriend, but what is that? I don't know what it is, honestly. I love her, yes, but she's so fucking in love with me it's kind of sickening. I can't give that back to her. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. When we dated the first time, I wrote her all this romantic, sappy poetry, and she didn't even fucking try between us. She let us drift apart because her mother didn't approve of her dating me. Now, it seems the tables are turned. She's being all gushy, romantic like, and I feel kind of apathetic to it. I don't know if she's noticed this or not, but goddamn it, it's true, and I hate it. I don't even want to be in a relationship with anyone. i just want to be by myself I guess. But I'm insanely afraid of being alone. How the fuck does this work?! I guess I just don't know how I could feel that way again. I've been hurt too many times, hurt myself even more, and can't open up again, even though I have been open to her the whole time. I knew I shouldn't have let her move in with me. I fucking knew it. But I did it anyway, despite my ex's wishes, and here we are now. Royally fucked beyond reason.

I don't know, maybe I'm finally fucking cracking. I'm finally giving in to the insanity that's been creeping around my brain since I turned fourteen. I've always been a little nuts I think. It's like a darkness that is trying to make my brain succumb to irrationality. I don't know; I don't know anything anymore. Lately I've been going through bouts of strange emotional periods. Like, for a while I was entirely upset and was thinking of cutting myself, and an hour afterwards I was bouncy and happy. WTF?! Most of the time, I'm pretty numb though. And yesterday, someone said something to me about a few of my characters and I got so pissed off I had to tell them I'd be right back. I wanted to fucking scream and hit something. This isn't fucking normal.

I've also been getting headaches a lot, maybe from thinking too much. Or maybe it's because of all the RP drama. I don't know, but I don't fucking like it. I'm kind of losing touch with reality too. The only tastes of it I get are going out with my family, and when my girlfriend calls, and even then most of the time it's just LARP anyway...It's probably because I'm home too much. It's fucking insane. I just sit here and write, or RP and it's probably not the most healthy thing in the world. I don't want to do anything else though. It all seems pointless; well, this does too, but only marginally less so. Everything I do seems so useless. I feel kind of meaningless. Fuck Murdock's theory of social malaise. That's exactly what this is, and people with this kind of problem are most likely to end up committing suicide. THANK YOU FUCKING SOCIOLOGY! Ugh. It's been drilled into my head.{So much for drilling it into my head...I wrote the wrong theorist. It's DURKHIEM. See how much I pay attention? :P}

This is just a log of my thoughts, don't worry. I need to see Meg, STAT. She was always good at talking me through this kind of thing. Ugh, fuck this. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's not this.

I really fucking hate how this world has become, you know that? NO ONE gives TWO SHITS about anyone else anymore, even if they're fucking family. I hate people, I really fucking do. They're just out for themselves and help others only when it suits their fucking goddamn needs. I hate them, I hate them all. It's like, I'll care about you when it benefits me, and other than that, I'll fuck you over without a second motherfucking thought! Is this humanity? Is this what we've become?

I don't read the Bible, nor am I religious in ANY FUCKING WAY, but God if you can hear me AT ALL send the fucking apocalypse because this is fucking ridiculous. The end of days needs to come and wipe the world of the filth that seems to fucking coat every corner of this dingy society. You thought sin was around when Adam and Eve were around? They, at least, gave a shit about each other. They weren't cruel and manipulative. Now, everyone is in it for themselves. Compassion, for the most part, is completely fucking dead. I hate this; I'm not fit for this world. I'm one of the few people who still fucking care about others.

OK, so here's the basis for my rant:

My girlfriend, right? Today's her grandmother's birthday; she would have been sixty had she not died 12 years ago from breast cancer. She's a fucking wreck about it, still, and she asked her family if they could bring her down to see me, because I'm pretty much the only person who gives enough of a shit to help her out besides her sister, who unfortunately has to spend the day with her mother.

So here's the deal: she asked them, and they said fucking NO! Her aunt said "I'm sick of lying and deceiving my husband" because her dear loving husband hates me with the same fiery passions in which I hate him. He is truly the only person I can honestly say I HATE and wish he would fucking die and rot in hell, contorted into vicious shapes and tortured until the end of fucking time (Dante-style.)

She's just a fucking possession to him, and she bows the fuck down to him. What self-respecting woman would put up with this shit?! I sure as fuck wouldn't, hence why I'm fucking divorced. Fuck that, I don't want anyone controlling my fucking life. He's cruel, crude, and malicious. He does things when they're convenient for him! I hate people like that, and he just makes it so much fucking worse. He's abusive, an alcoholic and he's a druggie. All the worst things wrapped up into one fat, gluttonous little fucking package (though there is by no means anything LITTLE about that fucker, except maybe his cock, bu I don't want to fucking know that!)

So now I'm talking on the phone with her when she's bawling her eyes out and cursing the world for allowing such bullshit to ruin a perfectly good, blissful existence. This world was supposed to be a fucking paradise, but look what we did with it! Fuckers.

I am seething, SO FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!

Cunts. The whole world, except a few precious people, can and are going to fucking hell. They can get fucked. I'm sick of having this kind of bullshit it my life and frankly, I'm sick of men. I'm sick of people with the pig-headed idea that "I'm the only one who FUCKING MATTERS!" They're not the center of the universe and never fucking will be. Cocksuckers, fucking all of them.

Someone cheer me up.

I'm going to write another angst-ridden chapter of Burn It Down now...and wallow int he disgusting state that society and the people in it have brought themselves down to. Fuck this.

...how many times can I say fuck in one update? 35!

OK

So I've lost my job

I've lost my husband...

What's next? My best friend? My family? My life?

God only knows...the fucker.

OK, so it's been forever. I admit it! I've gone through about three semesters of college since I last wrote in this thing. Great way to show my personality to the world, right? Anyway, I guess I've grown up since my first semester of college.

So, I got married, which I'm kind of starting regret. I wish we'd waited, and so does her. It's too big of a responsibility for kids like us. He still wants to play, and I'm not willing to lay down and take his shit. We're also having MAJOR financial problems.

I'm working at Starbucks, which I'm sure a lot of you know...everyone seems to one way or another. I like it, but hate it at the same time, you know...? My manager sucks.

All this has tossed me down into a very shallow depression. I cried last night for no other reason than I felt like I needed to. I haven't felt like that since before Jon and I got together...

You know what I miss?

Megan.

She could always talk me around this kind of thing. She always knew the right things to say to calm me down, to make me laugh, to make me forget. She got me through high school.

God, I miss you, girl.

I think stress is really starting to get to me. I fell asleep sad, even though I was sleeping right beside Jon, and I woke up sad too. I feel like things aren't going the right way and I'm just wasting time, half thetime not even doing anything. Yeah, school is two to four hours a  day but what about the other eight or so? What the hell am I supposed to do during that? Sit around on my ass? Sure I can do homework, but that only takes so much time. God, I'm bored right now. Can you tell?

I've been tired all week and it's bothering me. Jon said I was in a bad mood last night and I didn't even notice. It was really weird. *sigh* It feels like everything's spiraling and I'm just watching it go, and it's slipping through my open fingertips. I'm watching life go by and I can't grasp on to the fragile strings it's lent me for the ride. I don't want to stay here.

I'm going into a depression again, can't you tell? Wonderful. Just what I've always wanted. I hate being depressed. It sucks and I have no reason to be.

Hey guys, guess what...














I'm engaged! SQUEE!

Morning, starshine; the world says hello...! or something like that.

Everyone needs to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. they're both awesome. ^-^

Things have been majorly hectic, but in essence, I love my life. I wanna kill Wal-Mart though...bastards called me in for an interview but then everyone was busy so I have to go in AGAIN!

I'm still happy with Jon, which is kind of surprising because I haven't had a steady, good relationship like this in over three years. ^-^ Makes me happy just thinking about it.

I'm starting WNCC in the fall, in a little over a month. I'll be working, then going there from 5-9 Mon-Thurs. I'm gonna die, but it's ok.

That's about the extent of it...

A certain someone and I need to hang out sometime soon. *nods*